Chuck Norris

[NeVetS]

You know how you're at work... you're fairly bored... and you SUDDENLY
(and shamefully) realize you know very little about Chuck Norris...


*****

   1. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
      but because he has run out of women.

   2. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
      the information he wants.

   3. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
      till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks
      you in the face.

   4. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

   5. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
      deaths have increased 13,000 percent

   6. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

   7. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
      fist.

   8. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
      pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
      more pirates to him.

   9. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
      said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
      came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
      when he threw   it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and
      came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done
      it, he gave her roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question
      Chuck Norris."

   10.      Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is
      actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the
      face that day.

   11.      If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck
      corn,sir."

   12.      Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

   13.      Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
      anyway.

   14.      Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
      instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
      thereafter he grew a beard.

   15.      Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
      the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
      with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
      amazement.

   16.      Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
      looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
      transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
      face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
      couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
      now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

   17.      A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
      Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he
      exploded.

   18.      Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a
      canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

   19.      Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her
      and saying "booya".

   20.      Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

   21.      Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
      yelling, "Bang!"

   22.      The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

   23.      After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
      bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck
      Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

   24.      Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they
      do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

   25.      Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
      trademarked names for his left and right legs.

   26.      If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
      Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

   27.      One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
      that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
      tea-bagged to death by  Chuck Norris.

   28.      Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
      yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
      lost my virginity." Then you are dead

[Milford]

man, this is so old it makes me want to cry

oh well, some people may not have seen it.

[eurisko]

Some people such as myself! LOL

I believe ANY reference to chuck norris is enough for me to burst out in laughter.

Dodgeball has his best cameo ever! *Gives the Thumbs Up*

Fucking Chuck Norris....

 

[Jecks]

ahahaa... ive seen some of them before, but there are some new ones too...
pure gold...

[mannix]

hahaha thats awsome dude, my mate loves him and all the other martial arts actors (steven segal, jean claude van dame etc). ill be sure that he sees this.

[Febrile]

http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=20863&op=articles

One I thought was particularly humorous:

http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?op=article&article_id=1038434&PHPSESSID=4edb27002c3d1fb720cd08cca216ab5c#top

[KAstanza92]

Chuck norris can divide by zero

[noss]

chuck norris reading chuck norris facts

http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/1792.html

[Rake]

29 - Chuck norris is so cool he was bored of chuck norris jokes before anyone else even heard them

[Loop]

Has anyone seen the Vin Diesel ones?

[Jecks]

nup... post em up

[noss]

hehe i got one.. vin diesel tried to publish his own 'vin diesel facts' on the net much in the same style as the world renowned 'chuck norris facts' but then vin diesel realised he was a hack and a girl and he cried.. like a girl.

[Loop]

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I end lives."

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun. And won.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Vin Diesel once played a prank on Mother Teresa by killing her

Vin Diesel created rainbows to distract people before he punches them in the teeth. According to him, it worked on Mother Theresa.

Vin Diesel is simultaneously the Fifth Beatle, Dimension and Element.

Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod

Vin Diesel never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shit themselves.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Darkness is not the absence of light. It is the presence of Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel can slam a revolving door.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

[B4]

top shit loop!!!!!