Author Topic: Short Joke  (Read 36352 times)

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Offline Dano Da Bomb

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #90 on: Nov 5, 2007, 04:53PM »
A devout Muslim man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Dubai to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the holy man if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

Shocked to hear this, the Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said: "Me too ... I didn't know we had a choice."
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Offline FuzzyDropbear

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #91 on: Nov 5, 2007, 05:58PM »
I got a laugh out of this, but then again, I'm pretty sure not all of it is limited solely to Australians.  ;)


Being An Aussie

Being Australian is about driving in a German car, to an Irish Pub for a Belgian beer, then while travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, tosit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Oh and......

Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australian ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION 58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

543 Aussies were admitted to emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
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Offline BILL*69

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #92 on: Nov 5, 2007, 06:23PM »
A devout Muslim man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Dubai to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the holy man if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

Shocked to hear this, the Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said: "Me too ... I didn't know we had a choice."
Made me LOL literally....

The above joke is a chain email, and the country name is always changed...
mr 4ut0m4t1c d0r1fft0000 p1nny 0n ga5 w17h cu5t0m u13h su8w00f3r!
When i'm cruisin' wit my bitches and G's ready to pop a cap in the ass of some fool who thinks he's bank by takin' my corner of the block....  ::)

Offline trxboi1987

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #93 on: Nov 6, 2007, 01:11PM »
Now this isnt a short joke and i maybe hi-jacking the tread alittle, but these are funny u gotta watch them both to the end to get the whole thing lol

http://www.explosm.net/movies/124/

http://www.explosm.net/movies/139/


Offline cruizer

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #94 on: Nov 6, 2007, 04:45PM »
COP vs. LITTLE GIRL

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over
and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered 'Yes, he sure did!!!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #95 on: Nov 6, 2007, 08:57PM »
OH SO TRUE MY FRIEND hehehe
mr 4ut0m4t1c d0r1fft0000 p1nny 0n ga5 w17h cu5t0m u13h su8w00f3r!
When i'm cruisin' wit my bitches and G's ready to pop a cap in the ass of some fool who thinks he's bank by takin' my corner of the block....  ::)

Offline minimikee

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #96 on: Nov 12, 2007, 08:02PM »
I got told this one on the weekend

An ugly guy walks into a bar with a big smile on his face, the bar tender says to him 'Why are you so happy?'
The guy replies 'I was walking home by the train line last night and saw a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we shagged all night!'
The bar tender looks bewildered that this guy got laid and asks 'Did you get a blow job?'
'No' the guy replies 'I couldn't find the head'
lol Phantom and I at the wreckers
Me - 'Oi do you have a hammer'
Phantom - 'No, here have an auto-controller' lol

Offline Milford

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #97 on: Dec 1, 2007, 11:44AM »
A man walks into a bar and orders 20 schooners. the bartender is a little puzzled but pours them all and lines them up on the bar.
The man then proceeds to down every beer and is left swaying in his chair at the end of it.
the bartender tells him "20 schooners, thats pretty impressive"
"yeah im celebrating my first head job" he replies
"thats great man, let me buy you another one" says the bartender
"nah dont worry about it, if 20 cant get the taste out of my mouth, another one isnt going to help"

Offline hrmmmm

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #98 on: Dec 24, 2007, 05:02PM »
No offence to any one but:

What is the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator


The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.


*courtesy of zoo magazine

Offline thumbtack

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #99 on: Dec 24, 2007, 05:08PM »
grotty. haha!

why does snoop dogg always carry an umbrella?


fo' drizzle
The old USSR had a single time zone. They had a hammer and sickle in the ground near the Kremlin much like a sundial.
Arguments raged for years as to what to call the timezone
Moscow Time?
Comrade Time?
In the end they all agreed.
Hammer Time.

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Offline Ammerty

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #100 on: Dec 28, 2007, 01:08PM »
No offence to any one but:

What is the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator


The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.


*courtesy of zoo magazine

HAHAHA thats a good one

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 schooners. the bartender is a little puzzled but pours them all and lines them up on the bar.
The man then proceeds to down every beer and is left swaying in his chair at the end of it.
the bartender tells him "20 schooners, thats pretty impressive"
"yeah im celebrating my first head job" he replies
"thats great man, let me buy you another one" says the bartender
"nah dont worry about it, if 20 cant get the taste out of my mouth, another one isnt going to help"

And so is this one
Quote from: SECLUDED

When are you not drunk Ammerty...lol  ::) ;D

Offline Dragon

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #101 on: Feb 2, 2008, 02:16PM »

two sausages are sizzling in a pan

the first said "damn its getting hot in here"

the second said "holy c*** a talking sausage"
"Noss is GOD"

Offline hrmmmm

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #102 on: Mar 13, 2008, 07:48PM »
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic blag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, the other is used to carry your groceries.

Offline trxboi1987

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #103 on: Mar 13, 2008, 11:30PM »
16 things you know you want to do at K-mart.


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layby.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"

Offline Maximus

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #104 on: Mar 14, 2008, 12:30PM »
did you just change it from 'wal-mart' to 'k mart'

still good though lol

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Offline trxboi1987

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #105 on: Mar 14, 2008, 04:16PM »
yup sure did ;) lol

Offline slim

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #106 on: Mar 15, 2008, 09:30PM »
once ran around with those toy guns that make the machine gun noises having a war with my little brother.
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Offline trxboi1987

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #107 on: Mar 16, 2008, 12:52PM »
yeah i use to do that too, and if no one paid attention, i would smack them with it to get there attention lol

Offline hrmmmm

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #108 on: Apr 20, 2008, 02:13PM »
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia ?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........

'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'

Offline hrmmmm

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #109 on: Apr 20, 2008, 02:15PM »
*What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his bum


*Why is Star Trek the same as Toilet paper?

Because they both circle Uranus looking for Klingons


Offline hrmmmm

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #110 on: Apr 20, 2008, 02:16PM »
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited... When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:

"Jesus is watching you."

Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.

"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the bird replied. "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

The burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably," the bird answered, "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

Offline cruizer

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #111 on: May 3, 2008, 08:06PM »
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Offline Milford

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #112 on: Aug 1, 2008, 10:54PM »
whats better than winning 5 paralympic gold medals?





walking

Offline evlknvl

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #113 on: Aug 2, 2008, 01:09AM »
Old couple wanna spice up their sex life so the ol' girl goes out and buys a pair of crutchless undies. She comes home, goes into the bedroom and puts the crutchless undies on. She goes out into the lounge room, puts one leg on the end of the couch where the hubby was sitting and said "How about a bit of this?" The husband replies " Fuck that, look what it did to your undies!"

Offline Ammerty

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #114 on: Sep 12, 2008, 04:55PM »
whats better than winning 5 paralympic gold medals?





walking


what's better than walking?
 
winning 5 paralympic gold medals AND being able to walk
Quote from: SECLUDED

When are you not drunk Ammerty...lol  ::) ;D

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #115 on: Apr 28, 2009, 12:00AM »
aha ha thats so funny
until the arrival of the 'black pearl' that is...

Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #116 on: Mar 10, 2010, 06:48PM »
A  small boy was lost at a large shopping  Center.
He  approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've  lost my granddad!'
 'The  cop asked, 'What's he  like?'
The  little boy hesitated for a moment and then  replied,
' Bundaberg  Rum and sheilas with big  tits.'
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #117 on: Aug 2, 2010, 10:14AM »
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #118 on: Aug 2, 2010, 10:15AM »
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'  she said.

So I suggested,  'How about the kitchen?'
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #119 on: Aug 2, 2010, 10:16AM »
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'  she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes..'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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