Author Topic: Short Joke  (Read 36354 times)

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Offline Taiwan Corsair

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #60 on: Jan 17, 2007, 04:58PM »
Hehe... I love to laugh.

Somone sent me this the other day:

Why not to swear in front of the kids

A man and his wife are having an argument. He calls her a bitch and she calls him a bastard. At that moment, their 5 year old daughter walks in and asks "Whats a 'bitch'... and a 'bastard'? Not wanting to teach her bad manners, they tell her "that just means a lady and a gentlman"

The next day is xmas eve. The man is upstairs shaving and his wife is in the kitchen preparing a roast turkey. The man cuts himself shaving and says 'shit!' His daugher walks in and asks "whats shit?" He tells her "its just a brand of shaving cream, sweety"

She goes down stairs and enters the kitchen just as her mother cuts her finger and exclaims "fuck"! "Whats Fuck mummy?" she asks. "Its just another word for stuffing the turkey" he mother explains.

A few minutes later, the door bell rings. "That'll be your aunts, unkles and grandparents. Go and let them in and hang their coats up for them" says the mother to the little girl.

The girl answers the door: "Hello all you bitches and bastards. Give me your coats and come in. My dad's just upstairs wiping the shit of his face and my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey"



Did that manage to rais a chuckle??

Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #61 on: Jan 17, 2007, 11:33PM »
 ;D nice
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline Ammerty

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #62 on: Jan 18, 2007, 01:06AM »
lol i likes
Quote from: SECLUDED

When are you not drunk Ammerty...lol  ::) ;D

Offline wicked

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #63 on: Jan 18, 2007, 08:43AM »
Good stuff.  :D

Offline oldn_tired

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #64 on: Jan 26, 2007, 08:16PM »
Ok these are bad, but please remember I have had kids on hollidays for eight weeks and that can do strange things to you.

1: what is brown and sticky
2:what is green and fluffy
3:what is blue and fluffy
4:where do you find a dog with no legs
5:what do  you call a dog with no legs





1:A brown stick
2:green fluff
3:green fluff in winter
4:the same place you left him
5:it doesnt matter what you call him he wont come any way

Bring on the beginning of the school year!!!!!!!!!!

Offline banno_87

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #65 on: Jan 30, 2007, 11:09AM »
Whats red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket


Whats blue and looks like a bucket?

Red bucket is disguise
Fat chicks should not wear mini skirts!

I have never failed!! I've just found 10,000 ways of not succeeding.

Offline Ammerty

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Short joke - ETHEOPIANS!
« Reply #66 on: Jan 30, 2007, 12:47PM »
50'000 Ethiopians died from a nuclear explosion,
10'000 died from the initial blast,
the other 40'000 died from running towards the giant mushroom...

how do you get 100 Ethiopians on to a bus...

throw a can of baked beans inside,
how do you get them all off again...

run past with the can opener...
Quote from: SECLUDED

When are you not drunk Ammerty...lol  ::) ;D

Offline oldn_tired

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #67 on: Feb 13, 2007, 09:20PM »
Whats the difference between a wife and a terrorist



You can negotiate with a terrorist

Offline banno_87

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #68 on: Feb 14, 2007, 12:38PM »
Two Muslim chicks walking down the street, one turns to the other and says "Does my bomb look big in this?"
Fat chicks should not wear mini skirts!

I have never failed!! I've just found 10,000 ways of not succeeding.

Offline Abaddon

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Re: Short Joke - WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE!
« Reply #69 on: Feb 14, 2007, 11:25PM »
WOMEN DRIVERS (a hazard to traffic!)

 Driving into the city this morning on the Freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a
woman in a brand new red Monaro doing 150 kph with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds shaking my head in disbelief and
when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her makeup!

 Well, it scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut right
out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten the car out using my knees
against the steering wheel, I knocked my cellphone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee mug
between my legs scalding my jewels and DISCONNECTING A VERY IMPORTANT CALL!

 WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE!

 There oughta be a law........
"Like a Fish???"

Offline Abaddon

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #70 on: Feb 14, 2007, 11:28PM »
 The Geography of a Woman
> Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
> She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bushland
> around
> the fertile deltas.
>
> Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
> Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially
> with
> countries with cash or cars.
>
> Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
> Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
>
> Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
> She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a
warm
> and
> desirable place to visit.
>
> Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
> She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction
> is now
> necessary.
>
> Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
> Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
> frigid
> climate keeps people away.
>
> Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
> With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
>
> After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.
> Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
>
>
> The Geography of a Man
> Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick.
"Like a Fish???"

Offline oldn_tired

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #71 on: Feb 15, 2007, 08:02AM »
Two new immigrants meet at the airport and start to talk.
They agree that they both want to fit in to the Australian culture and adopt their new countries beliefs and culture as best they can.
So they place a $100 bet on who can be the most Australian after one year.
After a year they meet to settle the bet the first man says "i have done my best, I watch AFL every week and follow my local team, I drive a V8 Holden, I take a sicky from work as often as I can, I drink VB, my favorite food is a meat pie, I got pissed at the Melbourne cup, I don't think you could possibly be more Australian than me."
The second man looked at him and said "piss off towel head"

Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #72 on: Apr 6, 2007, 06:38PM »
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

The girl, who had just opened  her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, "What would you like  to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How  about nuclear power?"

 "OK," she said. "That could be an  interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow,  and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little  pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps  of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The stranger  thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"


To which the  little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to  discuss nuclear  power when you don't know shit?"
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline bogan_bob

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #73 on: Apr 22, 2007, 06:53PM »
How are Virginia Tech Uni and Mt Everest similar??

















They both have a killer slope and both are minus 33..... :-\



Maybe not funny yet but i did lol a little  :P

http://ozvr4.com - check it out :)

Offline emuisme

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #74 on: Apr 22, 2007, 07:19PM »
*bad joke alert!*

Hear about the new biscuit that was just released by <insert brand here>?

Clitoris cream.

one lick and you have to eat the whole box.
I spent my money on sothern comfort and speeding fines, the rest I wasted.

Born to drive, forced to work!

Offline Kranzy

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #75 on: Apr 23, 2007, 12:05PM »
In cricket news: Pakistan is the only world cup cricket team to bring home the ashes.
Quote from: noss
learnt something new just then, dont eat baked bean sandwhiches while changing the paper in the copier


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Offline oldn_tired

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #76 on: Apr 23, 2007, 04:10PM »
Question from drunken friend which told me he had had enough to drink

"Hey Ray do farts have lumps"

Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #77 on: Jun 4, 2007, 01:57PM »
 A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
 The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find
 out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
 Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
 cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
 a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
 discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
 too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"you have male"
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline VHoyt

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #78 on: Jun 20, 2007, 11:51AM »
lol keep 'em coming ;)

Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #79 on: Jun 28, 2007, 12:09AM »
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline bondy

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #80 on: Jun 28, 2007, 01:18AM »

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

ehehe...  i thought that was what most guys asked for regardless  :P

go easy boys... this has been a bit of a woman-bashing thread so far, had to even it up a bit

Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #81 on: Aug 25, 2007, 03:00PM »
True Aussie Love Story  ;)

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

  Daryl is driving over the WestGateBridge one
day when he sees his Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

 Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:
"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

 Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

 "G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
 
 "Shazza", he says

 "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too"

   And drives off!!
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline Budgie

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #82 on: Aug 25, 2007, 03:24PM »
Oh FUCKING SNAP pedro!!!! :D

Thats gold mate, gold :)
dont piss me off with your pillarless shit captain snappy wrist

Offline Legend Killer

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #83 on: Aug 25, 2007, 04:27PM »
HAHAHA that was bloody awesome
TRX POWER!!!

Offline pedro666

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #84 on: Aug 31, 2007, 11:32AM »

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
 "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on
the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once
he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
make him come."
the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"? 




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Offline Habibosaurus

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #85 on: Oct 30, 2007, 05:33PM »
An oldie here....

There is a new quiz show similar to Sale of the Century in which the finalist has to name a four letter word, spell it and put into a sentence. The first night on air, the first finalist, an Irishman named Paddy reaches the final four letter word segement.

Quizmaster, "Paddy please say your four letter word, spell it and put it into a sentence"

Paddy, "Gorn, thats G-A-W-N"

Quizmaster now baffled, "Uhhh please put that into sentence"

Paddy, "Gawn get F--K-D"

Paddy gets kicked of the show and doesnt win the prize.

Years later, an old man with white hair, bent back and large beard is on the show named Shawn and reaches the final four letter word segment.

Quizmaster, " Shawn, please say your four letter word, spell it and put it into a sentence"

Shawn, " Smee, thats S-M-E-E

Quizmaster (baffled again), "uhh, please put that into a sentence"

Shawn, who rips off a fake beard, fake white hair wig and stands straight revealing its actually Paddy from years ago, " Smee again, gawn get f--k-d!!!"  ;D
Ill fight you. May even throw a bar of soap your way. Maybe a few wax strips and some clip on brembo brake calipers for your fooly sic civic.

Offline hrmmmm

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #86 on: Oct 30, 2007, 08:39PM »
Not really a joke more of a series of poems. Got a chuckle out of me and my brother.

A fart poem
 
A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
 
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
 
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
 
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
 
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
 
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
 



Offline FuzzyDropbear

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #87 on: Oct 31, 2007, 01:59AM »
Was told this one at uni today;

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was."


ha, Imagine the sinking feeling you'd get  :D
Datsun boys, we like 'em fast, so we drop 'em low, heavy on the gas!

Offline Dano Da Bomb

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #88 on: Nov 5, 2007, 02:59PM »

Friday, July 20, 2007
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."
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Offline BILL*69

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Re: Short Joke
« Reply #89 on: Nov 5, 2007, 04:16PM »
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."
Thats gold!!!
mr 4ut0m4t1c d0r1fft0000 p1nny 0n ga5 w17h cu5t0m u13h su8w00f3r!
When i'm cruisin' wit my bitches and G's ready to pop a cap in the ass of some fool who thinks he's bank by takin' my corner of the block....  ::)