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off topic => jokes and other humour => Topic started by: bungs on Feb 6, 2006, 12:22PM

Title: Short Joke
Post by: bungs on Feb 6, 2006, 12:22PM
Dunno if this is old or not, but got it in a email today:

An U G L Y woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "Why no, he's 9 and she's 7.
"Why?  Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!   

hehehe
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: bigpud2012 on Feb 6, 2006, 05:10PM
not bad bungs  :D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jecks on Mar 21, 2006, 07:26AM
i didnt want to start another thread for a short joke.
i got this in an email today...

*The Australian Hotels Organisation announce that the popular drink of Butterscotch Schnapps and Baileys - previously known as the 'C*cksucking Cowboy' will now be known as the 'Heath Ledger'.*

ehehee  ;D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Sticky on Mar 21, 2006, 07:22PM
yhahahah, both are great!!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: ashman01 on Mar 21, 2006, 07:29PM
I like both of them good job!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Dano Da Bomb on Apr 6, 2006, 10:01PM
I like both of them good job!

Tee hee "job"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jtas on Apr 8, 2006, 08:32PM
these may be ancient...

(http://newsydneyhotel.com/fun/off_the_web/images/bike.jpg)





FIND THE APRICOT



(http://newsydneyhotel.com/fun/off_the_web/images/apricot.jpg)
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jecks on Apr 8, 2006, 08:55PM
ehehee... id eat a few of those 'apricots'  ;D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: emuisme on Apr 8, 2006, 09:00PM
Middle of the bottom (no pun intended) row? 

When I first saw it I thought it was one of those "guess which asshole called" note pads.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: thumbtack on Apr 8, 2006, 09:20PM
why did the mexican throw his wife off the cliff?

tequila!






*watches tumbleweed go by*

man not even the crickets are making a sound.... :P
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jtas on Apr 8, 2006, 09:56PM
your in.
you made me laugh and that's all that counts ::)
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Kranzy on Apr 8, 2006, 10:07PM
My whole family laughed and had a chuckle so it cant be that bad.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Milford on Apr 22, 2006, 05:47PM
some nuns are renovating the place and 2 of them are told by the head nun to paint a room, but not to get any paint on their habits. so they talk it over and come to the conclusing that they would close the door, strip off and paint the room naked. they start painting and a knock comes at the door. they ask who it is
"blind man" is the response.
they dont see any harm in letting a blind man in, so they open the door for him.
he enters and says 'nice tits, now where do you want your blinds?"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: emuisme on Apr 22, 2006, 07:05PM
oldie but a goodie!

Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: chr1S on Apr 22, 2006, 09:20PM
hahaha

i use to know a nun joke, but i kind of forgot.. it was pretty lame but still made people go "ohhh haha."
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: thumbtack on Apr 23, 2006, 01:48AM
so there were these three monkeys at a bar....

i forget the rest of the joke. but your mothers a whore!

yeah pretty bad
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jtas on Apr 23, 2006, 11:09AM
that'd be funny when your smashed :P
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: emuisme on Apr 23, 2006, 05:57PM
hahaha

i use to know a nun joke, but i kind of forgot.. it was pretty lame but still made people go "ohhh haha."

It wasn't:

An old nun and a young nun were riding there pushbikes back to the convent when the older nun said "I usually go this way dear." pointing up a cobble stoned alley.  After a couple of minutes the young nun says "I've never come this way before" to which the older nun replied "it's the cobble stones derrie".

Was it?

probably not, on second thoughts that probably wouldn't even get a ha ha.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: noss on Apr 24, 2006, 02:12PM
hehe nice one :P

--
what's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
kermit the frogs finger

--
what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

--
a new zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. he meets another new zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: chr1S on Apr 24, 2006, 06:19PM
hahaha nice emuise ! but nah, it wasn't that one.. i might ask my friends, they might remember it
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: bigpud2012 on Apr 30, 2006, 11:26PM
Whats the definition of suspicion?





A nun doing push ups in a cucumba field
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jtas on May 8, 2006, 06:09PM
Why was the AFL umpire run over by an ambulance in Launceston?


 :-X






He didn't hear the siren

 ::)










Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Kranzy on May 8, 2006, 08:44PM
Ohh god i forgot how funny you are Tas  ::)
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: bigpud2012 on May 8, 2006, 10:24PM
Ohh god i forgot how funny you are Tas  ::)

well they are from the other neck of the wood, apparently they are now seeing 6" Yowies ruiing around the woods  :-\
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: noss on May 9, 2006, 12:37PM
well they are from the other neck of the wood, apparently they are now seeing 6" Yowies ruiing around the woods  :-\

i'd rather you kept your 6" yowie to yourself mate
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: emuisme on May 9, 2006, 09:31PM
If I were a completely sick, sad f*** I'd use that to lead into the 12inch piano player joke.

Good thing I'm not completely (mostly, but not completely)

Two cows in a paddock, one says "moo"  the other one says "You Bastard! I was going to say that!"...........................

even the crickets are silent!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Virus on May 9, 2006, 09:51PM
(http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6246/603cows4sv.th.jpg) (http://img101.imageshack.us/my.php?image=603cows4sv.jpg)
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: NeVetS on May 15, 2006, 03:41PM
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they
wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They  decided on
the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy
that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell
your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon
in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type
that letter now."

The child told her father, and returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy
said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jono on May 15, 2006, 07:57PM
Good one  :D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Sticky on May 17, 2006, 07:27PM
i heard this somewhere.....

what does the neverland ranch and beaconsfield have in common??

they both trap miners/minors
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Smiley Of Terror on May 17, 2006, 07:46PM
what's green and shaped like a box?




















GRASS! I lied about the box!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: emuisme on May 18, 2006, 05:52PM
How many social workers dose it take to change a light globe?




After forming a committee, and hiring a consultant a number of ten was come up with, but only if the light globe really wants to change.

How many mice dose it take to screw in a light globe?




Two, itís getting them in there thatís the hard part.

Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: eurisko on May 25, 2006, 02:56AM
"Recent survey shows 1 in 4 people said theyd give up their kidney to a complete stranger.
Yeah right, 98% wont even let somebody merge lane!!" - Jay Leno
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Smiley Of Terror on May 28, 2006, 05:19PM
hehehe funny 'cause its true...
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: bondy on May 29, 2006, 04:48PM
ok, here's another beaconsfield one:

what's the difference between a priest and the beaconsfield mine manager?

the mine manager gets his miners stuck in a shaft, and the priest sticks his shaft into minors
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Dano Da Bomb on May 29, 2006, 05:47PM
ok, here's another beaconsfield one:

what's the difference between a priest and the beaconsfield mine manager?

the mine manager gets his miners stuck in a shaft, and the priest sticks his shaft into minors

 ;D

Nice one
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Sticky on May 29, 2006, 10:21PM
hahahahahah, keep em coming  ;D
 
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Kranzy on May 30, 2006, 10:04AM
What are the two most important holes in a womans body?...



Her nostrils,

How else is she going to breath while giving head?
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: bigpud2012 on May 30, 2006, 04:40PM
ok, here's another beaconsfield one:

what's the difference between a priest and the beaconsfield mine manager?

the mine manager gets his miners stuck in a shaft, and the priest sticks his shaft into minors

here is a follow up.

whats the simalirty between collingwood fc and beaconsfield mines



they both killed carlton!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Aug 15, 2006, 02:17AM
hahaha nice ;D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Aug 15, 2006, 02:19AM
what do you say to a women with 2 black eyes??

nothing, you've alredy told her twice!!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Aug 15, 2006, 02:24AM
this isnt so much a joke but something to say when your pissed off at a nut or bolt,
THIS BLOODY THING IS AS TIGHT AS A NUNS C*NT!!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Jono on Aug 16, 2006, 12:24AM
Anyone who's spent any time around mechanics will have heard that before :D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Aug 31, 2006, 01:35AM
anyone got anymore??
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Sep 14, 2006, 03:52PM
 Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the copy machine, inhales a deep breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

 After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.

 The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 The woman replies, "It's Keith........the midget."
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: MAG86 on Sep 15, 2006, 12:58PM
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong,honey.

I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you, too!"

Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Oct 7, 2006, 11:23PM
lol

Gotta love drunk people

 

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
" Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. 

 "Who was that? "  asked his wife.
 " Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
 " Did you help him?" she asks.
 " No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
  " Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.  " Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" 

 The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk .
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: don_makaveli on Oct 11, 2006, 03:54PM
Are you aware of the recent discovery in the human body, of a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the asshole?
It's called the anal-optic nerve.
It's responsible for giving some people a shitty outlook on life.
If you still don't believe there's a connection, just pull a hair from
your ass
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
 
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: don_makaveli on Oct 11, 2006, 03:57PM
prty old   but prty funny haha


now THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION!
 
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
 
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
 
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
 
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
 
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
 
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are
going to look up there anyway?
 
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
 
What do you call male ballerinas?
 
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
 
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
 
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
 
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
 
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 
Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?
 
Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: SAIUN on Oct 11, 2006, 06:46PM
does morality come from morons?

No, but most of those jokes did.

*thumbs down.*
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: don_makaveli on Oct 11, 2006, 08:02PM
haha aye all i done was copy paste haha  oh well
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: minimikee on Oct 12, 2006, 11:57PM
No, but most of those jokes did.

*thumbs down.*

its more than your contribution
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: don_makaveli on Oct 13, 2006, 05:03AM
ye! listen to that guy :P haha 
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Nov 16, 2006, 11:04PM
yeah a bit over the top simon
Title: Re: Short Scotish Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Nov 30, 2006, 12:26AM
A guy walks into a **Glasgow** library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Dec 2, 2006, 06:08PM
lol nice
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: trx_reece on Dec 2, 2006, 09:44PM
"Recent survey shows 1 in 4 people said theyd give up their kidney to a complete stranger.
Yeah right, 98% wont even let somebody merge lane!!" - Jay Leno
so true and funny.nice :D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: trxboi1987 on Dec 26, 2006, 04:49PM
Hey, hope everyone had a good xmas. i didnt want to start another thread but i just received this txt msg today.
Why doesnt micheal jackson play chess?

cause he doesnt know if his black or white

ummm. ha ha i think??
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: banno_87 on Jan 17, 2007, 10:40AM
Got this one from a friend last night (female friend obviously)

Why did god give women thrush?

To teach them how to live with an irritating c u n t before they marry one...

funny but stupid in my opinion..

Santa announced that he is giving up his job today, 5 minutes later, Michael Jackson announced he wouldn't mind sneaking into childrens rooms to empty his sack...

Why do dogs lick their balls... cos they can

Slinkeys are a lot like people, not good for much but they put a smile on your face when they are pushed down stairs.

Best day of my life, walking down the aisle to see my wife, give her a kiss and close the coffin lid.

Since the terrorist attacks in london the price of public transport has risen, the underground will cost an arm and a leg while bus fairs are going through the roof.

Two muslim chicks are walking down the street. One looks at the other and says 'does my bomb look big in this?'


I have more jokes but can't think at this time... Hope you enjoy
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Jan 17, 2007, 11:46AM
got e-mailed this one...

(http://img388.imageshack.us/img388/4751/pic19169fo5.th.jpg) (http://img388.imageshack.us/my.php?image=pic19169fo5.jpg)
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Taiwan Corsair on Jan 17, 2007, 04:58PM
Hehe... I love to laugh.

Somone sent me this the other day:

Why not to swear in front of the kids

A man and his wife are having an argument. He calls her a bitch and she calls him a bastard. At that moment, their 5 year old daughter walks in and asks "Whats a 'bitch'... and a 'bastard'? Not wanting to teach her bad manners, they tell her "that just means a lady and a gentlman"

The next day is xmas eve. The man is upstairs shaving and his wife is in the kitchen preparing a roast turkey. The man cuts himself shaving and says 'shit!' His daugher walks in and asks "whats shit?" He tells her "its just a brand of shaving cream, sweety"

She goes down stairs and enters the kitchen just as her mother cuts her finger and exclaims "fuck"! "Whats Fuck mummy?" she asks. "Its just another word for stuffing the turkey" he mother explains.

A few minutes later, the door bell rings. "That'll be your aunts, unkles and grandparents. Go and let them in and hang their coats up for them" says the mother to the little girl.

The girl answers the door: "Hello all you bitches and bastards. Give me your coats and come in. My dad's just upstairs wiping the shit of his face and my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey"



Did that manage to rais a chuckle??
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Jan 17, 2007, 11:33PM
 ;D nice
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Jan 18, 2007, 01:06AM
lol i likes
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: wicked on Jan 18, 2007, 08:43AM
Good stuff.  :D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: oldn_tired on Jan 26, 2007, 08:16PM
Ok these are bad, but please remember I have had kids on hollidays for eight weeks and that can do strange things to you.

1: what is brown and sticky
2:what is green and fluffy
3:what is blue and fluffy
4:where do you find a dog with no legs
5:what do  you call a dog with no legs





1:A brown stick
2:green fluff
3:green fluff in winter
4:the same place you left him
5:it doesnt matter what you call him he wont come any way

Bring on the beginning of the school year!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: banno_87 on Jan 30, 2007, 11:09AM
Whats red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket


Whats blue and looks like a bucket?

Red bucket is disguise
Title: Short joke - ETHEOPIANS!
Post by: Ammerty on Jan 30, 2007, 12:47PM
50'000 Ethiopians died from a nuclear explosion,
10'000 died from the initial blast,
the other 40'000 died from running towards the giant mushroom...

how do you get 100 Ethiopians on to a bus...

throw a can of baked beans inside,
how do you get them all off again...

run past with the can opener...
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: oldn_tired on Feb 13, 2007, 09:20PM
Whats the difference between a wife and a terrorist



You can negotiate with a terrorist
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: banno_87 on Feb 14, 2007, 12:38PM
Two Muslim chicks walking down the street, one turns to the other and says "Does my bomb look big in this?"
Title: Re: Short Joke - WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE!
Post by: Abaddon on Feb 14, 2007, 11:25PM
WOMEN DRIVERS (a hazard to traffic!)

 Driving into the city this morning on the Freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a
woman in a brand new red Monaro doing 150 kph with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds shaking my head in disbelief and
when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her makeup!

 Well, it scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut right
out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten the car out using my knees
against the steering wheel, I knocked my cellphone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee mug
between my legs scalding my jewels and DISCONNECTING A VERY IMPORTANT CALL!

 WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE!

 There oughta be a law........
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Abaddon on Feb 14, 2007, 11:28PM
 The Geography of a Woman
> Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
> She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bushland
> around
> the fertile deltas.
>
> Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
> Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially
> with
> countries with cash or cars.
>
> Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
> Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
>
> Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
> She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a
warm
> and
> desirable place to visit.
>
> Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
> She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction
> is now
> necessary.
>
> Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
> Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
> frigid
> climate keeps people away.
>
> Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
> With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
>
> After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.
> Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
>
>
> The Geography of a Man
> Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: oldn_tired on Feb 15, 2007, 08:02AM
Two new immigrants meet at the airport and start to talk.
They agree that they both want to fit in to the Australian culture and adopt their new countries beliefs and culture as best they can.
So they place a $100 bet on who can be the most Australian after one year.
After a year they meet to settle the bet the first man says "i have done my best, I watch AFL every week and follow my local team, I drive a V8 Holden, I take a sicky from work as often as I can, I drink VB, my favorite food is a meat pie, I got pissed at the Melbourne cup, I don't think you could possibly be more Australian than me."
The second man looked at him and said "piss off towel head"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Apr 6, 2007, 06:38PM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

The girl, who had just opened  her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, "What would you like  to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How  about nuclear power?"

 "OK," she said. "That could be an  interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow,  and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little  pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps  of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The stranger  thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"


To which the  little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to  discuss nuclear  power when you don't know shit?"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: bogan_bob on Apr 22, 2007, 06:53PM
How are Virginia Tech Uni and Mt Everest similar??

















They both have a killer slope and both are minus 33..... :-\



Maybe not funny yet but i did lol a little  :P
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: emuisme on Apr 22, 2007, 07:19PM
*bad joke alert!*

Hear about the new biscuit that was just released by <insert brand here>?

Clitoris cream.

one lick and you have to eat the whole box.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Kranzy on Apr 23, 2007, 12:05PM
In cricket news: Pakistan is the only world cup cricket team to bring home the ashes.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: oldn_tired on Apr 23, 2007, 04:10PM
Question from drunken friend which told me he had had enough to drink

"Hey Ray do farts have lumps"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Jun 4, 2007, 01:57PM
 A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
 The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find
 out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
 Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
 cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
 a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
 discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
 too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"you have male"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: VHoyt on Jun 20, 2007, 11:51AM
lol keep 'em coming ;)
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Jun 28, 2007, 12:09AM
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: bondy on Jun 28, 2007, 01:18AM

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

ehehe...  i thought that was what most guys asked for regardless  :P

go easy boys... this has been a bit of a woman-bashing thread so far, had to even it up a bit
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Aug 25, 2007, 03:00PM
True Aussie Love Story  ;)

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

  Daryl is driving over the WestGateBridge one
day when he sees his Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

 Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:
"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

 Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

 "G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
 
 "Shazza", he says

 "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too"

   And drives off!!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Budgie on Aug 25, 2007, 03:24PM
Oh FUCKING SNAP pedro!!!! :D

Thats gold mate, gold :)
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Legend Killer on Aug 25, 2007, 04:27PM
HAHAHA that was bloody awesome
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Aug 31, 2007, 11:32AM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
 "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on
the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once
he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
make him come."
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Habibosaurus on Oct 30, 2007, 05:33PM
An oldie here....

There is a new quiz show similar to Sale of the Century in which the finalist has to name a four letter word, spell it and put into a sentence. The first night on air, the first finalist, an Irishman named Paddy reaches the final four letter word segement.

Quizmaster, "Paddy please say your four letter word, spell it and put it into a sentence"

Paddy, "Gorn, thats G-A-W-N"

Quizmaster now baffled, "Uhhh please put that into sentence"

Paddy, "Gawn get F--K-D"

Paddy gets kicked of the show and doesnt win the prize.

Years later, an old man with white hair, bent back and large beard is on the show named Shawn and reaches the final four letter word segment.

Quizmaster, " Shawn, please say your four letter word, spell it and put it into a sentence"

Shawn, " Smee, thats S-M-E-E

Quizmaster (baffled again), "uhh, please put that into a sentence"

Shawn, who rips off a fake beard, fake white hair wig and stands straight revealing its actually Paddy from years ago, " Smee again, gawn get f--k-d!!!"  ;D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: hrmmmm on Oct 30, 2007, 08:39PM
Not really a joke more of a series of poems. Got a chuckle out of me and my brother.

A fart poem  
 
A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
 
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
 
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
 
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
 
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
 
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
 


Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: FuzzyDropbear on Oct 31, 2007, 01:59AM
Was told this one at uni today;

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was."


ha, Imagine the sinking feeling you'd get  :D
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Dano Da Bomb on Nov 5, 2007, 02:59PM

Friday, July 20, 2007
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: BILL*69 on Nov 5, 2007, 04:16PM
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."
Thats gold!!!
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Dano Da Bomb on Nov 5, 2007, 04:53PM
A devout Muslim man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Dubai to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the holy man if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

Shocked to hear this, the Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said: "Me too ... I didn't know we had a choice."
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: FuzzyDropbear on Nov 5, 2007, 05:58PM
I got a laugh out of this, but then again, I'm pretty sure not all of it is limited solely to Australians.  ;)


Being An Aussie

Being Australian is about driving in a German car, to an Irish Pub for a Belgian beer, then while travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, tosit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Oh and......

Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australian ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION 58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

543 Aussies were admitted to emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: BILL*69 on Nov 5, 2007, 06:23PM
A devout Muslim man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Dubai to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the holy man if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

Shocked to hear this, the Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said: "Me too ... I didn't know we had a choice."
Made me LOL literally....

The above joke is a chain email, and the country name is always changed...
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: trxboi1987 on Nov 6, 2007, 01:11PM
Now this isnt a short joke and i maybe hi-jacking the tread alittle, but these are funny u gotta watch them both to the end to get the whole thing lol

http://www.explosm.net/movies/124/

http://www.explosm.net/movies/139/

Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: cruizer on Nov 6, 2007, 04:45PM
COP vs. LITTLE GIRL

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over
and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered 'Yes, he sure did!!!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: BILL*69 on Nov 6, 2007, 08:57PM
OH SO TRUE MY FRIEND hehehe
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: minimikee on Nov 12, 2007, 08:02PM
I got told this one on the weekend

An ugly guy walks into a bar with a big smile on his face, the bar tender says to him 'Why are you so happy?'
The guy replies 'I was walking home by the train line last night and saw a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we shagged all night!'
The bar tender looks bewildered that this guy got laid and asks 'Did you get a blow job?'
'No' the guy replies 'I couldn't find the head'
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Milford on Dec 1, 2007, 11:44AM
A man walks into a bar and orders 20 schooners. the bartender is a little puzzled but pours them all and lines them up on the bar.
The man then proceeds to down every beer and is left swaying in his chair at the end of it.
the bartender tells him "20 schooners, thats pretty impressive"
"yeah im celebrating my first head job" he replies
"thats great man, let me buy you another one" says the bartender
"nah dont worry about it, if 20 cant get the taste out of my mouth, another one isnt going to help"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: hrmmmm on Dec 24, 2007, 05:02PM
No offence to any one but:

What is the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator


The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.


*courtesy of zoo magazine
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: thumbtack on Dec 24, 2007, 05:08PM
grotty. haha!

why does snoop dogg always carry an umbrella?


fo' drizzle
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Dec 28, 2007, 01:08PM
No offence to any one but:

What is the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator


The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.


*courtesy of zoo magazine

HAHAHA thats a good one

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 schooners. the bartender is a little puzzled but pours them all and lines them up on the bar.
The man then proceeds to down every beer and is left swaying in his chair at the end of it.
the bartender tells him "20 schooners, thats pretty impressive"
"yeah im celebrating my first head job" he replies
"thats great man, let me buy you another one" says the bartender
"nah dont worry about it, if 20 cant get the taste out of my mouth, another one isnt going to help"

And so is this one
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Dragon on Feb 2, 2008, 02:16PM

two sausages are sizzling in a pan

the first said "damn its getting hot in here"

the second said "holy c*** a talking sausage"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: hrmmmm on Mar 13, 2008, 07:48PM
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic blag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, the other is used to carry your groceries.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: trxboi1987 on Mar 13, 2008, 11:30PM
16 things you know you want to do at K-mart.


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layby.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Maximus on Mar 14, 2008, 12:30PM
did you just change it from 'wal-mart' to 'k mart'

still good though lol
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: trxboi1987 on Mar 14, 2008, 04:16PM
yup sure did ;) lol
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: slim on Mar 15, 2008, 09:30PM
once ran around with those toy guns that make the machine gun noises having a war with my little brother.
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: trxboi1987 on Mar 16, 2008, 12:52PM
yeah i use to do that too, and if no one paid attention, i would smack them with it to get there attention lol
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: hrmmmm on Apr 20, 2008, 02:13PM
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia ?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........

'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: hrmmmm on Apr 20, 2008, 02:15PM
*What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his bum


*Why is Star Trek the same as Toilet paper?

Because they both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: hrmmmm on Apr 20, 2008, 02:16PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited... When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:

"Jesus is watching you."

Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.

"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the bird replied. "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

The burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably," the bird answered, "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: cruizer on May 3, 2008, 08:06PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Milford on Aug 1, 2008, 10:54PM
whats better than winning 5 paralympic gold medals?





walking
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: evlknvl on Aug 2, 2008, 01:09AM
Old couple wanna spice up their sex life so the ol' girl goes out and buys a pair of crutchless undies. She comes home, goes into the bedroom and puts the crutchless undies on. She goes out into the lounge room, puts one leg on the end of the couch where the hubby was sitting and said "How about a bit of this?" The husband replies " Fuck that, look what it did to your undies!"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: Ammerty on Sep 12, 2008, 04:55PM
whats better than winning 5 paralympic gold medals?





walking


what's better than walking?
 
winning 5 paralympic gold medals AND being able to walk
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: H.M.S. Interceptor on Apr 28, 2009, 12:00AM
aha ha thats so funny
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Mar 10, 2010, 06:48PM
A  small boy was lost at a large shopping  Center.
He  approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've  lost my granddad!'
 'The  cop asked, 'What's he  like?'
The  little boy hesitated for a moment and then  replied,
' Bundaberg  Rum and sheilas with big  tits.'
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Aug 2, 2010, 10:14AM
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Aug 2, 2010, 10:15AM
I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'  she said.

So I suggested,  'How about the kitchen?'
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: pedro666 on Aug 2, 2010, 10:16AM
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'  she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes..'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
Title: Re: Short Joke
Post by: vanamond on May 17, 2017, 10:56PM
You guys are all hilarious! Here comes my contribution:
What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg.